Scars
by FiliandKili'sGirl18
Summary: You always knew a relationship would be tough, especially after your last one. And you always knew Aidan was far too good for you to begin with. After a less than successful night out, you decide to tell Aidan your biggest secret. But will it push him away or bring you both closer together? (Modern Day)


_**Special thank you to Green-Eyed-Girls for giving me the courage to post this.**_

When I pushed the door open I wasn't surprised to see him sitting on the sofa. He was leaning forward, elbows resting on this knees, head resting on his hands. As those dark curls fell over his forehead I wanted nothing more than to push them away. To get my fingers tangled up in them. Licking my lips I shut the door behind me. Despite the noise it made, Aidan didn't even look up. Dropping my bag by the door I forced a smile onto my face.

"Hey."

He nodded slowly. I bit my lip, moving forward slowly.

"Um…I'll get changed, make us some tea and then er…then I'll explain what happened back there. Okay?"

He nodded, not even glancing at me. Willing myself not to cry I simply turned and moved towards our bedroom. I say 'ours'. It was more mine. Aidan only used it if he was staying over. Shutting the door behind me I glanced down at myself. All dressed up like some high class lady. Aidan had even said Lady Mary couldn't look better, when he'd seen me. That had only been a few hours ago. How fast things changed. Now he was sitting in my living room, unable to look at me. All because I couldn't keep my mouth shut. All because I refused to let my demons be buried in the past. All because of me.

* * *

It took me no time at all to change. I left the dress lying on the bed. Grabbing my thick, grey dressing gown I slipped my feet into the raccoon slipper boots he had brought me for Christmas, before heading back into the front room.

"Do you want a tea?"

He nodded. Now that I was in my pj's I realised he had changed to. The suit had gone and instead he wore a dark grey t-shirt and blue and green checked trousers. I glanced down at myself. A grey long sleeved top and red and blue checked trousers. We were practically a matching pair. He still hadn't moved from his position earlier and it was that, that told me this wouldn't just go away. Although I wasn't expecting it to. I had pretty much accused him of cheating on me in front of people when I'd had no reason or evidence to suspect that. Shaking my head, I moved into the open kitchen. There was complete silence as the kettle boiled. Grabbing Aidan's favourite mug – the one with Jim Morrissey on it – and mine - the one with him as Kili on it – I hurriedly poured the drinks, desperate to just get this conversation over and done with. I glanced at the mug. He had been so embarrassed when I showed it to him. Not in a bad way. Just….just in his own little way.

"Here you go."

He had to look up to take the drink off me. In a way I wish he hadn't. He wasn't crying, nor had he been earlier. But it was far more heart-breaking than that. His eyes gazed up at me nervously. Tears shimmering in them. Biting my lip I put my own mug on the table and sat by him on the sofa.

"So…I guess I owe you an explanation?"

He nodded, holding his hands together, "You…I was just talking with her. Laughing. That's all it was. Nothing else."

I nodded, "I know. I know. I was…I don't know what I was being. An idiot I guess?"

He didn't react, "I would _never_ cheat on you. I love you."

I went to take his hand before pausing and letting it drop on the sofa between us.

"I know you would never. God I'm so sorry for what happened earlier. I…I don't know why I thought something was going on with you. But she was so beautiful and funny and I'm not and you looked so… _good_ together and…"

"So you thought that we were having an affair behind your back?"

"No! I mean…I thought perhaps…I don't know!"

"Well you must have!" Aidan turned to me, this time his eyes darker than earlier.

"You must have else you'd never have accused me of it."

I nodded, "Okay. Okay so I did think there might have been something. But I know now I was wrong and that I should never have done that to you."

"Look. I understand how worried you might be. After what Scott did to you…I get why you might be more paranoid."

I gave a conceded nod. I had broken up with my ex after walking in on him shagging another girl. Ten minutes later both he and his things had left the flat. Aidan sipped his tea.

"But that isn't an excuse for just randomly accusing me of that! Surely you know I love you too much to ever consider another woman that way"?

I nodded, "I'm sorry. I wish I could explain it better but I…I can't."

Aidan sighed whilst I looked down at my arms. We'd been dating for about five months and he had never seen me without long sleeves. Thankfully we had started dating in September so I had the cold weather as an excuse. I bit my lip. He would need to know one day. And it might make him see why I had acted that way I had.

"I can't explain. But I can show you."

He frowned at me, obviously not getting what I was talking about. Pushing my tea away I slipped my dressing gown off. I glanced nervously at my arms before taking a deep breath and rolling the sleeves up. I extended my arms out to him, saying nothing as he took in the multitude of scars on my arm. Aidan's mouth parted slightly and I couldn't help but squirm as he glanced at each individual cut. Including the ones on my wrists.

"I don't understand?"

"Well let me help. It's called self-harm for a reason."

Aidan pushed his mug away, glancing at my arms again.

"You mean you…? To yourself? You…you did this…to yourself?"

Rolling my sleeves back down in nodded. Aidan shook his head.

"But…why?"

I gave a small shrug, "Became I'm messed up. I have so many issues and I couldn't cope with them properly. I…I was bullied a lot as a child. Made to feel like I was worthless. And I have…I don't know what to call it. But I get paranoid when I see people talking and laughing. If I ever see people I know talking and laughing in hushed tones, I assume they are laughing at me. If I see you talking with another woman I tell myself, you prefer her. Because why wouldn't you? I mean look at me!"

Aidan took my hand, gazed deep into my eyes.

"I am looking at you," he whispered, "And I see the most beautiful woman I have ever met.

I could feel tears pricking at my eyes.

"I was told by people that I would never be pretty. That my acne scars would scare people off. That I was too fat. I was anorexic for a time. Bulimic as well. I um…I only stopped a few months ago."

Aidan froze, "You mean when we first dated you were starving yourself?"

I nod before lowering my head. Aidan took my other hand.

"I am _so_ sorry I made you feel like you had to do that. God if I could go back and change things… Try and stop you!"

"No. No it wasn't your fault," looking up I squeeze both of his hands.

"It wasn't your fault. You did stop me!"

"How?" His voice cracked.

"You told me that you loved me. Remember that night? We were having a Chinese takeaway and I was paranoid about how I looked. But I ate because I told myself I could make myself be sick that night and it'd be fine. Then you looked at me and said you were in love with me. I was sitting there, no make-up, messed up hair, pigging myself out with sweet and sour sauce all round my mouth. And you were saying you loved me. I knew then that I didn't need to be a size 8 or have perfect skin or long flowing hair. That night was the night I decided to get better."

Aidan nodded, rubbing his thumb over the scar on my wrist.

"What happened?"

"When I found out what Scott had done I struggled to cope. I drank a bit too much. He would text me, calling me things and telling me…telling me stuff. Horrible, vile things. He made me feel like a piece of filth under his boot. Then my parents split up and work was getting hard. I just lost it! I was drunk and I got a kitchen knife…"

Holding a hand to my mouth to try and stop myself from talking, I shut my eyes. Arms enveloped me, lips pressed down on my forehead.

"Listen to me," Aidan whispered, "You are amazing. You are strong, kind, smart and so funny. I love you beyond anything in his world. Never ever forget that. Please?"

I nodded, "I love you to. And I'm so sorry about tonight."

He shook his head, "It's fine. Honestly. I just want you to promise me something."

I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand, "What?"

"If you ever feel the need to hurt yourself or stop eating or anything like that, then I want you to tell me. I don't care what time it is or how little you think it matters. Tell me and I'll help you."

I nodded, "I promise. I was always going to tell you about this. Just later on when I knew it wouldn't scare you off."

Aidan placed his hand under my head, lifting it up.

"You could never scare me off."

He leaned forward, gently bringing my head towards him. I glimpsed his mouth parting before I felt my lips on his. Hugging him closely I deepened the kiss, letting his tongue brush against the tip of mine before we both pulled apart. Aidan smiled at me.

"I love you."

 _ **Hopefully people enjoyed this little Aidan fic. Got a couple more ideas for similar ones including a Christmas one! So that's something for you all to look forward to come December. Let me know what you think xx**_


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